New top

Got a smart new top for £6 from Sainsburies which I like. Up to 3200 metres in my morning (well evening) run, its actually quite enjoyable now the slime has stopped coming out my lungs so much.
Also my bribes must be reaching their recipients as I got tapped up by 2 big studios about freelance art work, and asked on as a guest on a web tv show run some really cool artists, cant wait! If you like entertainment design and listening to some artists chatting nonsense, come along! It should be a giggle.
1 happy tranny!!
xx

https://www.facebook.com/events/406218192892888/?pnref=story

Make up practice..

 I cant wait to get my beard lasered off its like Abe Lincoln in drag in here!
Still practicing with my make up bits, need one of those trays will all the little circles of different colours. What a fun way to get into traditional art materials; drawing on my actual eyes...
happy tho. very busy with movie work and enjoying life. Could do with a day off soon tho!
have a nice week y'all!
alex

trying to be serious. failing.

Legend

this guy is an absolute king

'The year I lost my limbs was the most brilliant of my life'

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-ouch-30803004

A good name for a sword

Its like I'm falling out of bed From a long and weary dream Finally I'm free of all the weight I've been carrying Falling off the giant bird that’s been carrying me It's like I'm falling out of bed from a long and weary dream Just exactly as I remember Every word Every gesture

How does your Blue Monday feel?

Apparently some marketing people decided the last monday of the last full week in January is the most depressing day of the year. So lets dance!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Monday_%28date%29

Drs Appointment Number 2

Great success, my Dr is really nice and referred me on to the GIC I found. Th London GI Clinic quoted a waiting time of 56 weeks, but the one in Daventry suggested a much less insane-making 7 or 8. Result!
And I got a nice tshirt and jeans to look smart for my apt; i heard horizontal stripes make you look less skinny and heroiny.. im not so sure..
taking selfies truly does make you feel like a prat, but a happy one!
I walked to the surgery in rush hour and no one openly laughed at me or pointed me out to his friends so they could join him in mocking me.. everyone was just getting on with their day. Phew!

Poker

played poker with 6 of my best friends. they all laughed at me and went off 'to the shop' to crack up in private, then got back to drinking doing bowls and playing the game. thought that was pretty awesome. Turns out poker is quite easy when your head isnt full of dysphoria and depression and booze, i came 2nd! had a great time. left my car lights on so flattened the battery and had to walk all the way home in a dress. wasnt too phased. usually idve been really angry and stressed but just laughed and practiced walking. amazing the difference coming out makes to your internal feelings. SO GOOD
i cant wait till i can switch over 24/7. itl be a long time to that but thats cool, one step at a time.
The next day we all went out drinking, i got some funny looks but had a great time! Horribly hungover the next day mind! love my mates.

I browsed

I went to a salon and they tamed my eye brows. Its a small thing and they look only a little different but it feels great! Glad I gave it a go it was ace! Thanks Michelle!
I hope my first appointment with the HRT people will come through soon.
London said to expect to wait 56 weeks. Ouch. A nearer one reckoned more like 8. YUS!
Working v hard but feeling much more comfortable and happy!
can you see any difference?
 a few weeks ago

now

caffiene!

Feels

They say 

You don't need money, don't take fame

Don't need no credit card to ride this train

It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes

but it might just save your life 

I agree

xx

Sandy Stone and The Ghost of Christmas Future

Brutal

Coming out, amazing

I told all my friends, and everyone was so ... I dont know the word. So Im overwhelmed.
WOW! Thankyou all my beautiful friends.

If anyone reads this and is worried, do it, youl be amazed and overjoyed.

Note to self

Dont get too cocky

"....For instance, you might come to think from time to time
that you are getting somewhere, especially if you have
some satisfying moments that transcend what you have
experienced before. Then you might go around thinking,
maybe even saying, that you have gotten somewhere, that
the meditation practice "works." The ego wants to lay
claim and take credit for this special feeling or understanding,
whatever it is. As soon as this happens, you are no
longer into meditation but into advertising. It is easy to get
caught here, using meditation practice to support the selfinflation
habit.
As soon as you're caught, you cease seeing clearly. Even a
clear insight, once it is claimed by this kind of self-serving
thinking, rapidly clouds over and loses its authenticity. So
you have to remind yourself that all colorations of "l,"
"me," and "mine" are just currents of thinking that are
liable to carry you away from your own heart and the purity of direct experience. This reminder keeps the practice
alive for us at the very moments we may need it the
most and are the most ready to betray it. It keeps us
looking deeply, in the spirit of inquiry and genuine curiosity,
and asking constantly, "What is this?", "What is this?"

Jon Kabat Zinn - Wherever you go there you are.

Coming out

This is what I think. If you are TG and thinking about coming out, this is what id say.

You dont need to feel ashamed anymore. At all. You have a medical condition, and it can be treated. it wont go away on its own but with medical intervention you can get it sorted and move on! Its fine to tell people in the same way it would be fine to tell them you have arthritis, or need glasses to drive. No shame, no regrets.

Once i stopped feeling ashamed about being transgender, I came out to everyone. it was fun. this was last week and so far everyones had a good laugh (it IS pretty funny!) and been lovely and supportive. 
Quite a few even said congratulations! or that they are proud of me! I think youd be surprised how people will be overjoyed to see you so much less stressed.
Ive been ready to block anyone who was horrible but so far no one has!

Everyone has their own speed, but I like to just bulldoze through things at top speed haha, always have! Ill tell you something, going to a shop, buying clothes, hanging out as a girl with accepting friends, it feels SOOOOO good. Who cares if youre not a supermodel. I look scary, but I feel like a real, happy person. That seems more than worth it.

I found instant messenger was a boon for coming out. Rather than sitting people down and awkwardly telling them, and then watching them try to contain their reaction, you can carefully and honestly write a message, maybe include links to resources which might help, show you are happy and just push send! and its done! PHEWWWWW!
its actually super fun! also if you tell a few gossipy people, key nodes in your friend networks if you like, and make it clear you dont mind who they tell, theyll do the work for you. Maybe its hot gossip for 2 mins, then everyone moves on and doesnt care about you again! Good.

And they can compose themselves and respond. Not one has been mean, all have been awesome. 
I made a blog to track my progress and use it to show people how much happier i am now as part of my coming out message. People always seem to understand. Maybe that is worth a shot. Good luck, you are stronger than you know after years of coping with chronic mental pain. Coming out disolves a huge amount of that pain. You will be fine! better than fine. Better than ever before. its wicked!

Its like I'm falling out of bed From a long and weary dream Finally I'm free of all the weight I've been carrying Falling off the giant bird that’s been carrying me It's like I'm falling out of bed from a long and weary dream

Make up training

My amazing friend Lucy showed me some basics and we had a drink and watched TV it was lovely.

off to the doctors tomorrow to explain my intentions and ask to proceed. Fingers crossed!

                                     

DO OR PIE

Notes on Gender Role Transition
		The Gender Variant Phenomenon--A Developmental ReviewBy Anne Vitale Ph.D.

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Some spookily accurate excerpts:

"Group Three (G3) is composed of natal males who identify as female but who act and appear normally male. We can hypothesize that prenatal androgenization was sufficient to allow these individuals to appear and act normally as males but insufficient to establish a firm male gender identity. For these female-identified males, the result is a more complicated and insidious sex/gender discontinuity. Typically, from earliest childhood these individuals suffer increasingly painful and chronic gender dysphoria. They tend to live secretive lives, often making increasingly stronger attempts to convince themselves and others that they are male....
The story is very different for Group Three. In the hope of ridding themselves of their dysphoria they tend to invest heavily in typical male activities. Being largely heterosexual, they marry and have children, hold advanced educational degrees and are involved at high levels of corporate and academic cultures. These are the invisible or cloistered gender dysphorics. They develop an aura of deep secrecy based on shame and risk of ridicule and their secret desire to be female is protected at all costs. The risk of being found out adds to the psychological and physiological pressures they experience. Transitioning from this deeply entrenched defensive position is very difficult. The irony here is that gender dysphoric symptoms appear to worsen in direct proportion to their self-enforced entrenchment in the male world. The further an individual gets from believing he can ever live as a female, the more acute and disruptive his dysphoria becomes....

In what follows I describe five distinct developmental stages, that make up the standard periods of developmental psychology: childhood, adolescence, young adult, middle age, and older adult.

Childhood---Confusion and rebellion

Adolescence--False hopes and disappointment

Early adulthood--Hesitant compliance

Middle age--Feelings of self induced entrapment

Older adult--Depression and resignation"

 Since there is no evidence that cross-gender behavior occurs more often in boys than it does in girls, a possible interpretation of this statistic is that effeminacy in boys may be considered by parents to be more upsetting and in need of correction than tomboyish behavior in girls.

Given the nature of the disorder and the ability of some children to conceal it, I believe that most children with gender dysphoria are never diagnosed as such. Those children cope by sticking rigorously to the role expected of them. Privately, however, they continue to go deeper and deeper into a highly guarded parallel world of cross-gender envy and fantasy. Given their propensity to be studious, detached and self absorbed, I have come to think of these children as living cloistered lives. These children grow up to form the core of Group Three.

For cloistered gender dysphoric boys it was in the area of peers and activities, especially sports, that the problem was most noticeable. Unable or uninterested in competing in organized boys' activities and having been shuffled decidedly away from playing with the girls, many became reclusive. To add to their confusion, and counter to behavior typically reported in openly gender dysphoric boys, many cloistered boys actually preferred solo play with boys' toys and had little or no interest in girls' toys. For example I have heard more than one long-time post-op male-to-female transsexual speak fondly of having spent countless hours playing with an Erector Set or a Lionel model train set-up that their father had helped them build. Others described of designing and making detailed model airplanes, race cars and sailing ships. The more academic of this group report little or no interest in sports and rough and tumble play. To avoid castigation from their peers, they report spending a lot of time reading and studying. However, although these children appeared to be normal boys doing what most people would consider some normal boy activities, they may very well have been doing so while secretly wearing their mother's or sister's underwear, fantasizing about being a girl or both if they could manage it....

Another common attempt to "make it"- as a man by gender dysphoric males in this age range is to marry and have children. Unlike their non-dysphoric male peers, these men's attraction toward the idea of family is not the standard one. Some individuals report telling their partners about their life long desires to be female before getting married, but the vast majority do not, perhaps from fear of ridicule or rejection, or because they maintain the fantasy that marriage will provide a cure. Many clients report that they were sure that being a husband would cement their maleness. This logic, unfortunately, gets extended to the idea of having children. Although gender dysphoric males are generally no better or worse as fathers then the next man, they soon come to realize that what they had hoped would be an answer has instead complicated their gender issues enormously.....

For those who continue to struggle inwardly with their gender issues into mid-life, new issues come to the fore. As a time when most people realize that about half of life has been lived and feel the need to make an accounting of who they are and what they have done with their lives, this period can be especially anxiety provoking for the gender-dysphoric individual. Decades of trying to overcome an increasing gender expression deprivation anxiety begin to weigh heavily on the individual. Family and career are now as deeply rooted as they will ever be. The idea of starting over as a member of a different sex has become seemingly impossible. The fact that the need to change sex has increased rather than diminished, despite Herculean efforts, is now undeniable....

 Yet when interviewed, those who chose to remain male speak of a clear longing for what might have been. Senior gender dysphoric males typically report they have been waiting, many since childhood in the hope that their desire to be female would simply "go away." Like those who are younger, they say in resignation that if they had known the dysphoria was going to remain such a strong force in their lives, they would have braved anything to face their dilemma decades sooner...
Characteristically these people can be described as sad, depressed and deeply resentful. In treating these individuals, the best that can be done is to help them feel better about cross-dressing and encourage them to have contact with other crossdressers their age. Success of sorts can be as simple as helping someone find the courage to shave off a moustache behind which he has been hiding his gender issues for forty years."

it goes on with uncanny accuracy... well worth a read.

-both paths have pain ahead, but only one of them promises a way out of that pain. It comes at a high cost, but there's not much that can be done about that

Bought a dress

I went to tkmaxx today (thank goodness for a car in this weather!) and tried on some clothes with the help of a friendly polish girl and got something and was so happy i wanted to share. 

it looks a bit like the 2nd one in on the bottom row

my inspiration, she rules

Before before

Hello! Nice to meet you my name is Alex, Im 32 years old and an artist and live in Cambridge England. Because of this amazing thread, and Emma B's inspiring video, and many other brilliant videos on youtube, I finally decided to take the plunge and apply for gender reassignment! 
So not much of a before and after (yet!) more of a before before and a before! See what you think!
As you can see I have a face like optimus prime in drag, or if you somehow combined Mary Poppins and Dick Van Dyck into a single horrifying person.. and I dont care  
I feel very excited and happy and proud for.. the first time ever! I dont really care too much about coming out, my family seem pretty much fine with whatever I do so long as Im happy and not making anyone else unhappy, and the friends Ive told have been super nice so.. who cares what anyone else thinks? I actually think I have it easy because all you brave girls did it already and paved the way.
Im going to see my doctor next week and apply to begin proceedings. I just got a great job so Im going to save up for some FFSurgery and so on and start my life!
Im sure this will be a long tough road but compared to.. before, which was horrible, i think itll be a breeze. 


If anyone is thinking about going for it, but is nervous, or worried theyre too tall (im 6.2) to manly (check out my chin!) or just feeling trapped or lonely (i know that one!) or anything like that well, me too, but email me and maybe I can help! 
x alex!

Anyway here we go!
this is me before before
very sad

before (nervous but happy)

oh dear

Off to see the docs to ask to being proceedings next week on Jan 12.

Hope it goes ok! What if they think Im faking it? Eep.

Fingers crossed.

xx

Alex